четверг, 30 октября 2008 г.

CHRISTMAS STRESS

One Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for the annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of the regular elves were off sick, and the trainee elves couldn’t produce the toys fast enough to meet demand and so Santa started to feel stressed. Mrs. Claus told him that her mother was coming for the holidays and wouldn’t be going back until New Year so the stress built up.

Then he went to harness the reindeer. Two were about to give birth and two more were nowhere to be seen. Rudolph had a bad cold and his nose was all red so he didn’t give a s**t anyway! More stress for Santa. Then to cap it all, while he was loading the sleigh a floorboard broke under the weight and a sack fell off and scattered the toys everywhere.

At this point Santa decided to have a fortified cup of coffee to calm himself down. When he opened the cupboard he found that the sick elves had emptied the drinks shelf for their hot toddies. The shock of this discovery caused him to drop his cup which smashed, of course. Cursing he went to the broom cupboard only to find that the mice had nibbled all bristles off the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang so cursing and swearing Santa went and opened the door. It was a beautiful fairy with her gift of a tree. The fairy said cheerfully, ‘ Merry Christmas Santa! Isn’t it a lovely day? I’ve brought you this wonderful tree to celebrate Christmas. Where would you like me to put it?’

четверг, 23 октября 2008 г.

Lessons From Hell

These three guys die in a car wreck and they all go to Hell. When they arrive the Devil asks each of the men what their sin was.
The first guy says, “It’s gotta be the booze. I’m always drunk.”
The Devil decides to lock him in a room with nothing but shelves of every kind of alcohol imaginable.
The guy’s thinking, “Fuck yeah! Look at all this alcohol!” and runs into the room.
The second guy says, “It’s the women, I could never stay faithful to my wife.”
The devil opens up the second door and inside is nothing but the finest looking naked women as far as the eye can see. The guy was to be locked in for 100 years. He couldn’t believe it and his dick got instantly hard and he went running into the room as the Devil locked the door behind him.

The third dude says, “It’s gotta be the bud. I’m always tokin’ up.”
The Devil opens the third door to reveal nothing but fields of 10ft tall icky, sticky, take-a-toke, make-ya-choke, chronic, green, death bud. The stoner can’t believe it. He goes in and takes a seat Indian style with his back to the door and the Devil shuts and locks the door.
One hundred years pass and the Devil returns to check on the three men.
He opens the first door and the man comes crawling out. He’s got an empty bottle in one hand, he’s completely naked, hasn’t shaved or showered in years, and is covered in his own puke, shit, and piss. “I’ll never drink again!” he says. The devil says it’s good he learned something and decides to give him a second shot at life.
The devil then opens the second door and the man comes running out twice as fast as when he went in. “I’m fucking gay!” he screams. The devil figures he’s learned not to cheat on his wife and decides to give him a second chance too.
The devil then comes to the third door. He opens it and sees nothing has changed. The stoner is still sitting there in the same position that he was 100 years ago.
The Devil asks him if he’s learned anything.
The stoner turns around as a tear rolls down his cheek, “Dude … you got a light?”

четверг, 16 октября 2008 г.

Novelty Cakes and Barium Meals

When I was a child, I had a Sonic the Hedgehog cake for one of my birthdays (don't remember which one). Most of my immediate family had some of it, and all of us were pleased to announce we had blue poo the following day.

Of all the hospital tests I've had to find out what's wrong with my gut (I have finally been diagnosed as having Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which seems a bit of a cop out to me), one of them was a barium meal. A barium meal involves swallowing a very dense "liquid", that can be seen on X-rays whilst passing through you. The following day I had what could only be described as a concrete turd. It stuck to the bottom of the toilet for about a week afterwards.